12th February, 2017

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Today I thought a lot about the few paragraphs that I wrote yesterday.  Mainly about the comment I made how there is no real information about how life is for people who have bipolar after they get a handle on some stability.  It is something that I think about often.

I know that I have spoken about my own depression and bipolar a lot in my previous blog but I now feel the need to deconstruct everything to help me reconcile myself to the person that I feel I am these days.

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11th February, 2017

 

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It’s almost two weeks since I posted.  I started writing tonight and after a few paragraphs I decided that I had nothing to say and that even if I did it is as though I no longer know how to say it.

So I deleted those paragraphs.

And now I am starting again.

I am as unenthused about life as I was in the last post, possibly worse. I’ve no doubt that my medication and being stable is a contributing factor to my indifference.  It is having a significant impact on me as I bring it up at one point in time every therapy session.  I tell the psych that I struggle with feeling so ‘flat’ to which he replies ‘you mean normal?’.  No, I don’t mean ‘normal’.  If every neurotypical person felt the way I do then nothing would ever happen in the world.

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Stuff

When I was about 39 years old my doctor sent me to a psychiatrist as I had to change my anti depressant medication and the doctor was the sort who preferred a psych to assess a patient before making any medication changes.

I had never been to a pysch before. I am not the sort who can open up easily and I was very resistant to it. But I went. We did not hit it off at all. He was rigid and I was in denial I suppose. After a number of intensely uncomfortable visits I decided not to go. I was not ready for anything like this.

After the first three visits he said to me that he believed I was bipolar and he wanted me to not take anti depressants, he wanted me to go on Lithium. I said he was wrong and there was no way I was going on that, ever. He brought it up a few more times and then I stopped going. I ended up changing GP’s and got a script for Lexapro which did me well enough until I came off all medication in 2005.

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