Today I thought a lot about the few paragraphs that I wrote yesterday. Mainly about the comment I made how there is no real information about how life is for people who have bipolar after they get a handle on some stability. It is something that I think about often.
I know that I have spoken about my own depression and bipolar a lot in my previous blog but I now feel the need to deconstruct everything to help me reconcile myself to the person that I feel I am these days.
It’s almost two weeks since I posted. I started writing tonight and after a few paragraphs I decided that I had nothing to say and that even if I did it is as though I no longer know how to say it.
So I deleted those paragraphs.
And now I am starting again.
I am as unenthused about life as I was in the last post, possibly worse. I’ve no doubt that my medication and being stable is a contributing factor to my indifference. It is having a significant impact on me as I bring it up at one point in time every therapy session. I tell the psych that I struggle with feeling so ‘flat’ to which he replies ‘you mean normal?’. No, I don’t mean ‘normal’. If every neurotypical person felt the way I do then nothing would ever happen in the world.
I’ve been in nowhere land for the month of January. Having three weeks off reminds me of how much I would rather not work. Not because I filled my time off with wonderfully productive things, but because I am lazy.
During my break I popped into work a couple of times to do payroll, tax, churn through loads of emails and print things out. I resented every second of being there but at least I was getting paid. I was thankful that I did not start work until the 16th so that gave me an extra week to do nothing but sleep in, mosey around the house doing ‘things’ and then go to CrossFit. I realised that I am possibly very lazy or a procrastinator. The latter seems to be the accurate one.
What can I say about the fact that one year finished and another year started. Except that I am one year older.
Fifty-three. Oh well, that is okay. It is what it is.
I had a nice Christmas Eve dinner with K and S, my brother, his gang and my niece. On Christmas day, however, I was woken up by a really, really awful headache. It was about 5.30am in the morning. I felt ill. As I lay in bed willing it to go away I knew it was one of those aches that would be around for a while. Eventually I stumbled out of bed and took two painkillers. A total waste of time by the way as they were not strong enough. By the time I went back to bed I was feeling very sorry for myself and the pain had only increased. Despite that I fell back asleep and a few hours later awoke feeling even worse. It was just a migraine, a really unpleasant migraine that made the day null and void.
There is no exciting reason why I don’t post as often as I would like. The simple truth is that I am doing other things.
I am slowly doing less on the internet than I did in the past. My garden needs my attention, my reading time has been neglected and my spirit needs to be free of the toxic waste that floats through the internet like a virus that will attach itself to brain cells and creates the infection of cyber depression.
This week I have four days off. Four wonderful days of no work. Although, as I write this, I have already used up one so now I only have three days left to swan around and do things. Then the weekend. Which makes it five more days before I go back to work. Continue reading
Life. That word has become a favourite of mine these days. Like the word ‘time’, like the word “love”, the word ‘life’ no longer is just a four letter word to me. It has become tangible. I can see it, feel it and I know it’s finite. This must be what happens when you pass the edge of the wedge time of life. Continue reading
Right now I am sitting in the terminal at Sydney Airport. I arrived here in a timely manner only to find out that my plane had been delayed by over an hour. So I am stuck here for a long time. The email to let me know about the delay arrived only a few minutes before I got to the gate where I would be waiting. Anyway, there is not much I can do about it except make good use of the free wifi and the battery life on my lap top. Continue reading
I took my dog to CrossFit this morning thinking he would have a great time, meet new dogs and hang out with me. It was a disaster. He rumbled with the other dogs. Whined when I walked away from him. Freaked whenever the weights were dropped on the floor and was generally not at all impressed with being there. Continue reading
Finally after a few weeks of fumbling around a completely different blogging system, I have it worked out enough to have some success. Continue reading