21 July 2018


Kew Gardens – London

I had to go to a funeral today.  A young man who had worked for us for maybe a couple of months died under very sad circumstances.  He was racing his motorbike in traffic against another motorbike rider and, unfortunately, things went wrong and he crashed his bike and died at the scene.

Everyone at work was shaken by this terrible event.  Here was a young man that we had all had some sort of engagement with and who was now no longer here.  The shock of it along with the absoluteness of it all just floored me.  That someone’s essence, their existence, their aliveness can suddenly be no more is surreal.

So, the funeral was today and a few of us went to pay our respects.  A funeral is a very sobering event, even if you hardly knew the person.  The reminder that finality truly is  confrontational.  It was quite a religious ceremony with all of the solemn rituals that go with such a funeral.  You don’t have to be a religious person to be moved. This aspect of religion makes me feel that the Church still has a place in society.   The Church, in this case, offered family and friends a moving way to farewell this young man.  Because it is a terrible thing to have to do.  For his parents to have to say goodbye to their son was just painful, just awful.  I cried for them.

I was not brought up in a religious household so it didn’t feature much in my life.  I did get baptised when I was about 17 or 18 years old, under duress. My mother was going through a stage in life that saw her become involved with some happy clappy Church.  I was baptised on stage wearing a 1950’s bathing suit and a surgical gown to keep me covered.  Then into a bath I was submerged three times in front of a few thousand people.  I am afraid that it did not bring anything to my life of any value because I only did it for my mother and it changed nothing for me.  If I was to have a belief system then it would have to come from a place inside me.

So, yeah, that was part of my day.  When I got home I was mentally tired so I just did small things.  Some book work, watched TV, read the newspaper and just relaxed.  In the past I would have tried to ignore how I felt and done things that I thought needed doing. But these days I acknowledge what I want and go with that. To do otherwise would make me feel resentful and tired, two things that don’t make for good friends.

A change of subject.  What is happening in my life?  My son turned 21.  He went out with his friends, came home drunk, went to the toilet and then fell asleep (passed out maybe) on it only to be woken up by K at 6.00 am in the morning.  Needless to say, he felt very shabby all day after that.  He is back at university.  Passed his exams last term but has now dropped down to two subjects each term so that he can look for work.

My hip is better but it won’t ever be what it was.  So I do other stuff.  I now work on balance, core strength, weights and simple things that I like doing when I am watching TV.   The other day I invested in a very expensive piece of gym equipment that will sit in the piano room out of sight.  It will allow me to build up my cardio as I cannot run or use a bike.  In fact, I have to be careful about any explosive moves that will impact my hip in a negative way.   Hence the new purchase.  I am about to cancel my gym membership as I never go.  I do all my exercise at home.

I am still going to therapy but plan on dropping back a bit as I truly am so much better within than I ever have been.  I have bad phases but they pass and I know how to deal with it.  For a start, I don’t ignore them.  They run their course and I go with the flow, so to speak.  My medication is doing its job and I am stable.

There are times when I think it would be nice to want to write more but it isn’t to be so right now.  The down side of being stable and on medication is that it certainly puts the kibosh on creativity.  There is no getting around it.  Part of it is that the ‘spirit is willing but the flesh is weak’.  Also, I have other things I want to do.  Watch movies, bake bread, tidy my studio, play with my phone, play with my dog.  Just things.  If that is what makes me contented then I am okay with not being particularly creative.  Things are what they are for a reason.

Oh, I also enjoy food.  I recently put on 1kg (2.2 1lbs).  In the past I would have been traumatised.  It would have been a reflection on my worth as a person. I would have felt self loathing and disgust.  Not now.  I weighed up whether food that may have possibly been responsible for the weight I put on, was worth giving up to lose that weight.  The answer was ‘no way’.

My brother and I are not reconciled and I have no interest in actively seeking to rekindle our relationship (no doubt he is of the same mindset but coming from a different place).  Were I angry then I could work through it but, the truth is, I am just not interested which is quite different.  Things may change one day but not in the forseeable future.  The story of the fall out is quite long but I am absolutely comfortable with my response to it all.

Well, this post is now coming to an end.  I don’t write much these days and what I write about isn’t particularly illuminating.

My life is very normal.

I am kind of mediocre.

And I really like that.

LC x



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