8th July, 2017

Months roll on one after the other.  Shortest day of the year has passed and already the days just seem a teeny bit brighter.  Although, we have had unusually sunny days, albeit quite chilly.

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I have been doing the usual things that people do when the live life. Work, exercise, home and down time.  Five weeks ago, however, I injured myself at CrossFit.  My hip was the victim in this.  As I came up from a back squat there was a grinding sensation in my groin.  No pain, just a really unpleasant grind.  I finished the set and, as there was no pain, thought nothing of it.  Three days later I was back there and went to step forward and felt a pain that started from my inner right groin, traversed around my quad and then radiated down along the outside of my knee.  The pain was breathtaking and along with it came a wave of nausea and dizziness.  It lasted about 15 seconds and then disappeared.  I modified all my workouts after that to upper body and core work.

As a few more days passed I noticed that as I got into the car and lifted my right leg in, there was pain.  Plus there was pain waking me up at night.  So I went to the osteopath to get him to check things out.

Keeping in mind that I have never really had a sports injury of any great significance, when I heard the osteopath say “Now I am not going to whitewash this, but you have a significant hip injury” I was shocked.  I was shocked because that happens to other people and not me. After the visit (which involved him having to twist my leg a few times to determine the level of damage) I went home feeling upset, shitty and in pain.  In fact, the pain was so awful that I think I cried for hours.  I had a big pity party.

For the next week I took anti inflammatories and pain killers.  I took five days of CF and did a bit of walking.  The pain was a constant and the worry was that if it was not better in three weeks I would have to have an MRI to make sure there was not a tear which would mean surgery, recovery etc.. I asked him if this was age related or did I execute the move incorrectly. His answer was that it an injury that is not age exclusive.  It is just one of those things.

During this healing stage I really struggled.  Having no control over what my body does is always troubling for me. I felt very vulnerable as I could not run or move they way I like. At the shopping centre I was wary of people bumping into me. It made me think about how hard it must be for career sports people who rely on being in peak performance who get injured.  Or those who are ill, frail, unsteady on their feet. Chronically in pain.  All those things that leave a person vulnerable.

The trainer was great at CF and helped me understand the process of healing and how the mind deals with it. Came up with alternative weight training and I just turned up and did the best I could do. One thing he did say that helped was that even if I could not exercise I should just come in anyway.  Do some mobility, talk to people and try out a few things to gauge the healing.

Last week I turned the corner as far as the pain was concerned.  This week I can start to do squats (not low ones) and build up strength again.

Getting back to fitness and not have any residual issues with the hip was extra important because……

I am going on a holiday.

Yes, I am going on a two week holiday to London and Berlin.  I am flying over on my own to London for three nights and then across to Berlin to catch up with my niece who is over in Europe for a few weeks. We will stay in Berlin for six nights and then back to London for another six nights.  Then I fly home and my niece will continue the rest of her holiday.

It was not planned.  She just happened to be going over there and said she had a couple of weeks with no plans and that I should come over for a holiday.  So I said okay and the 2nd August I fly out.  It is a big thing for me.  Organising the flights and accommodation was an anxiety laden task in itself.  It was all done online which was very new for me. As I am travelling with my niece I think it will be a different kind of trip.  Not travelling with my husband, not travelling on my own.  Travelling with a female friend will be a different kind of fun.  Last time I went to Europe was 2010. Seven years has passed since then and the world has changed hugely which makes me feel as though I am going somewhere with minimal expectations.

My biggest concern is just managing my medication with the time difference.  The psych will go over it with me before I go to ensure that my chances of a relapse are minimised. That would be a nightmare having a bipolar relapse when on holiday.  Thankfully I know which meds to take should that happen and I have a lot of them. You may say what you like about Big Pharma but without them my life would be really difficult to navigate.

I had so much more to talk about in this post however, as often happens, it has suddenly gotten late and I am tired.

Oh, maybe one or two things.  Six months ago I stopped having cleaners come in fortnightly.  Soooooo, we keep forgetting that we have to do it now. I also forgot how much of my life cleaning the house takes.  Plus how long it takes to clean a bathroom, especially the new one.  Also, if you wait for motivation to clean the house you will be waiting for ever.  Except maybe the prospect of visitors could be a motivator.

Should I talk about my bipolar?  Nothing to report. I go up and I go down and mange those phases pretty well now. Overall it really is just your run of the mill crappy mental illness. It is only recently I acknowledged it as a mental health illness rather than a mental health issue.  It is an illness because there is no end to it, it has to be managed for the rest of my life, it has to be medicated and it can at times be extremely debilitating. But it is okay and I am okay with it.  It is manageable.  There are people who suffer so much with mental illness and do not have the support network they need nor access to appropriate medications. Those are the people I feel for.

My work is okay.  I think work has a different feel about it as I know that I am leaving at the end of next year.  Already I have started to get procedures in place so that when I drop the bombshell and tell Bossman and wife that I am leaving it will be just a case of training someone up to it.  Last week I started training our part time office person how to do payroll as she will have to do it when I am away.  She is more than capable.  To tell you the truth, anyone can do my job. It is so black and white.  I am good at it because I have been doing it for thirty years and my problem solving skills are pretty good.

The big thing is that I have to prepare myself for no longer getting a wage.  It is a big drop in income and will impact my life a lot.  However, I will work as a contractor for three days a week and my hourly rate will be higher than it is now.  Despite it all, my motivation is to create a life that gives me peace, gives me more leisure time and allows me to live life in a way that takes into account my natural rhythm.

So, that is it for now.  I remember the days when I would post on my blog almost every day.

Maybe I have less to say.

Or maybe I have said too much.

Maybe my life is not interesting enough to talk about.

lc x

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