18th February, 2017

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The meaning is of the word creativity is:

  1. relating to or involving the use of the imagination or original ideas to create something. “change unleashes people’s creative energy”.

I have always been creative.  Writing, drawing, painting.  Even my home is that of a creative person.  I am neither good nor bad at what I do but were you to ask anyone who knows me “is Linda creative” they would say yes.  It is a fundamental part of who I am.

Before I was medicated I found it so much easier to do something with my creative urges. The musings of what I was going to draw/write next were always in the forefront of my thoughts, just waiting to be worked on.

During the times when I was unmedicated there was this restless kind of energy that travelled through me over and over.   It was not always a good energy but it was energy nonetheless.  I always knew that it would end up going one way or the other.  Up or down. Not much in between except for an agitated place that I’d refer to as the ‘holding space’. You know, that place where planes circle whilst waiting to land (or crash).

I could always rely on a hypomanic stage to propel me into a very productive place.  It felt like everything happened, planets aligned, lots was completed and the world was a shiny place.  Naturally, this was followed by a long and oppressive depression that, interestingly, was as productive as an up phase.  The energy from a depressed stage is incredibly seductive and there are definitely times that I miss it.  There were times when I would start something when in a depressed phase and then finish it off when I was elevated.

At the time I really didn’t know that I was experiencing the classic signs of bipolar despite being diagnosed with bipolar years beforehand.  I just figured that the psych had it all wrong at the time and so I just put it out of my head.  In my mind I was just prone to mood swings.

These ups and downs were great as they came with an energy that was unique.  I never had to actively seek out a way to get things done as my brain was the driver and I was just a captive passenger.

However, once I became stable I lost that whole “rollercoaster” ride and I had no idea how to redress that.  You see, if self discipline has come with its own driver, its own engine (in the form of bipolar) then when the bipolar is addressed that energy goes. Working out how to replace it is tricky.

So this is where I am currently at.  My head is full to the brim of creative ideas but not the capacity to make use of them.  It may well be a self discipline thing but I am sure it is something more.  I manage very well to work full time, go to CrossFit, clean the house, do the laundry, grocery shop and cook.  It is not hard to do all that at all. I just do it.

I spoke the psychiatrist about it (many times) and he duly noted that I am very self disciplined when it comes to things that I have to do but never, it seems, to do the things I would really like to do.  He is right.  I have no trouble doing things that are straightforward and require very little thought.  Work is a logical process (accounts), CrossFit makes me fit and strong in a measurable way, household things are just a practical part of life.  I can control all of these without any problem. But when it comes to picking up pencil, pen and paper it seems that I am unable to apply the same logic.

Which means that unless I learn to stop applying logic to everything I do, I will miss out on finding that fluid place where I can just get back into my art.  It’s just finding a new route into that place.  Maybe I should just sit in the studio and absorb that atmosphere or something.  Or approach the same way as I do my work – logical, practical etc.. That is unlikely to be successful as I really need to be in the zone to draw.  It is such a free place and has no room for logic.

This whole conundrum seems to not have a logical answer.

lc x

 

2 thoughts on “18th February, 2017

  1. This is very interesting, I wonder how many people do have mood swings and minimize them, when it is actually bipolar. So glad that you got out of the woods though.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think quite a few people just don’t realise that they may have bipolar. Everyone has mood changes, it is part of being a human being. The thing that points to bipolar is when the ups are followed by significant depression. Bipolar is really a moving target.

      Like

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