It’s almost two weeks since I posted. I started writing tonight and after a few paragraphs I decided that I had nothing to say and that even if I did it is as though I no longer know how to say it.
So I deleted those paragraphs.
And now I am starting again.
I am as unenthused about life as I was in the last post, possibly worse. I’ve no doubt that my medication and being stable is a contributing factor to my indifference. It is having a significant impact on me as I bring it up at one point in time every therapy session. I tell the psych that I struggle with feeling so ‘flat’ to which he replies ‘you mean normal?’. No, I don’t mean ‘normal’. If every neurotypical person felt the way I do then nothing would ever happen in the world.
I feel as though I have lost my personality and don’t have anything to offer anyone in social situations. This has resulted in me becoming progressively more reclusive. I don’t email friends. My ambition is gone, my creativity is going to waste and I almost don’t care anymore. Being stable is a death sentence for creativity. I can stare at a blank piece of paper and not a single thing follows. You could hold a gun to my head and you’d be lucky if I drew a stick figure.
It’s not depression (part of me wishes it were). It’s indifference. It is the inablity to engage with the outside world. It’s a real disconnect. I Googled something like “life after bipolar is stable” and was comforted knowing that I was not the only bipolar person experiencing this.
There is a great deal written about people with depression, mental health problems etc. It would be great to read about how people are after they are medicated, stable etc. Because there is something very unsettling about being on the other side of the fence. It’s not that straightforward to find yourself stable for a long, long period of time after years of being quite the opposite.