I took my dog to CrossFit this morning thinking he would have a great time, meet new dogs and hang out with me. It was a disaster. He rumbled with the other dogs. Whined when I walked away from him. Freaked whenever the weights were dropped on the floor and was generally not at all impressed with being there.
So I had to go home. Which kind of annoyed me as I had only done two classes this week and last week which sets me back. Anyway, that is what happens when you take your furry kid out.
When I got back home I decided that I may as well take him for a walk. It was a nice Spring day so why not make the most of it.
We went on a different route for our walk today. Mr Benny almost went berserk with the new smells he encountered. It would be fair to say I was taken on a walk.
But I am digressing a bit. On this walk we passed by my son’s old primary school. It had changed considerably. So much building had gone on since he left many years ago. Two storey class rooms, a giant hall for indoor sport and more portable buildings across the road on the huge playing field.
It was at that point I almost felt ill with the solid realisation that time was not just passing, it was racing past me. I had to stop for a moment to process the feeling of, well, almost of fear or something. That fear of knowing, really knowing, that life is short and it is fast. Every day I waste now is essentially a bigger waste than ever it was in the past.
You would think that is just a given that I would know that. We all know that. Time flies and life is short. But I am not sure I have felt it like I felt it today. It gripped me. My son went to that primary school. I took him there when he was a little child and I was still everything to him in that way that parents are to their children when young. His little hand fitted into mine, skin soft and still new. Everything was strange for him and he was both excited and afraid. He was five and a half years old. Now he is nineteen and going to uni and I have to look up to him when we speak as he is so much taller than I.
So, I continued my walk, up the street and turned right into the road where his high school was. Last year he was there. Six years of high school and come and gone. Just like that. What did I do for those six years? Was it interesting or was it a grind? I cannot tell you because it feels like it was one hundred years ago he was there.
Since I turned fifty I feel as though I am on some trajectory to nowhere and yet somewhere but it has no real name. This walk today, past the primary school and the high school, had a strange impact on me. I thought about it all afternoon, even when I went to the hairdressers and T was telling me about her new man, in the back of my mind there was that fear creeping around. Even now, late at night, it is still there and I am unsure what it means or what I am meant to do.
When I went to the hairdressers we were talking about her next birthday. She will be forty-seven years old. She told me she had been experiencing hot flushes and we made jokes about it. I have known her for 22 years. She has been part of my life for 22 years. Seen me through my pregnancy, my bipolar issues, my eating disorder, my shit menopause and I have seen her through her marriage, her divorce, her good and bad relationships. She gave my son his first hair cut.
Time, time, time. What a word. Used flippantly every day of our life. We don’t have time, take your time, plenty of time, do it in no time at all, have a good time, I had a bad time.
I am running out of time.
Maybe that is what I really found disturbing. That solid awareness that I truly am running out of time. It may sound dramatic but, really, it isn’t. It is just fact.
So, after today I guess I feel a bit more focused on making the best use of my time, having a few more plans and questioning what I am doing more often. Not sure exactly how I will do this and not exactly sure all the things I want to do, however I am certain things will pop up in my head and an idea will grow.
On a lighter note and before I finish this post I may as well talk about dinner tonight.
My brother and his family came over for dinner tonight. Pizza night. We all had a pizza each. I am a very disappointing pizza eater. Mine was gluten free vegan pizza. It had roast pumpkin on it. There is no way I could eat a Hawaiian pizza, all meaty and cheesy. Well, I could but I would be ill all night and into the next day.
Anyway, first of all they insist on showing me stuff on YouTube. You know, I have particular feelings about people showing me their YouTube thing. I once did a post about it here all the way back in 2011. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Shoot me now. Ground hog day right at my kitchen table tonight.
The other thing is that my brother’s kids are noisy.
Having an only child means that my house is a quiet as can be. My head hurts when too many voices are going around me. I was rude and told off my nephew for wiping his ice cream bowl clean with his fingers and then licking it. Actually, thinking about it, I was not rude, he was. He also farted at the dinner table. Well, that did not go down well at all. Now that I am older farts are not as funny as they once were. Nothing is as funny as it once was to tell you the truth.
So, we eat pizza, have lots of chat time and then they went home.
It was nice to see them but I was happy to shut the front door and mosey back into my silent house.
Yeah. Peace and quiet rocks.