Me Me Me

Have I mentioned how much I dislike the typical Alpha Male?

I like nice guys. I am married to one. Intelligent, kind, thoughtful and normal.

The one thing I liked about my husband when first I met him was that he did not talk about himself. About how good he was. How much money he earnt. How good he was at sport. He talked about stuff and I talked about stuff.

I work with Alpha Males. They talk about themselves a lot. There are a couple who don’t and they stand out like dog’s balls in the building industry.

My dad was a typical one. So is my brother.

Had I married and Alpha Male you can bet I would be divorced by now or they would have been stabbed during one of my unstable moments (which were frequent when young and still happen).

I was once engaged to marry one of them and he almost put me off men for life. Posturing, egocentric, beer drinking prick that he was. I dodged a bullet there by getting out when I did.

Maybe I don’t like them because I could be an Alpha Female and you can’t have one of those married to the male version. I like to think I am not but I sometimes wonder.

You see, I can be very difficult when things don’t go my way.

I like things a certain way. I have a certain picture in my head about what the day is going to bring and when it does not bring it I get highly agitated and confused which leads to me be very difficult to rationalise with.

My mother used to say to me that I had unrealistic expectations of how things should be. And she may well be right.

The other day I was talking to my son about something that we were planning and he said “Don’t tell me anything about it because it might not be what you say it is and I will be disappointed”. So maybe he has a bit of that in him as well.

The other thing which I hate to admit to is that I just cannot stomach being told what to do. At all. Not even a little bit. A suggestion from someone will be considered briefly. But generally I meet any advice, offers of help, suggestions and other similar things, with polite facade as deep down I am usually thinking how much I hate being told what to do.

Over the years men have said to me that I must be hard to be married to but my husband says I am not. Just like owning a foreign car, you need to look after it and know what buttons to never push.

I am covered in buttons. I avoid situations that may cause a few of those buttons to be pushed which then leads to sever anxiety for hours, if not days.

Here is the sort of conversation that can lead to anxiety:

Project Manager calls me;

PM: What screws do you want for the decking on your studio
Me: What do you mean?
PM: Galvanized or Steel.
Me: Which ever lasts longer.
PM: They are both the same.
Me: What? Why do you ask? Which one looks nicer?
PM: I should not have rung you should I?
Me: No.
Then I spend the next four hours wondering which one is best. Finally stop thinking when I get to bed.

Conversation about portable phone at work – me speaking to K about how to use it:

Me: How do I answer and incoming call on the portable phone?
K: You press the talk button, then star and then zero.
Me: Which is the talk button?
K: The main button.
Me: Main button, then star then zero. Got it.

Get to work. Completely forgotten. Tell everyone it is star then zero. Or talk button then zero. Or talk then zero. Get confused and ignore ringing phones while I am eating lunch. Later I ask K how to do answer the phone again. He tells me and then asks if it rings. I have no idea if it rings or not.

Conversation about electrician:

K: I cannot be here to meet the electrician on Thursday.
Me: Okay
K: Can he come another day?
Me: No, I want the studio finished sooner rather than later. Write down what you need me to talk to the electrician about.
K starts to tell me what needs doing. I start to panic. There is no way known I can remember one word of what is being said.
Me: Write it down. Don’t tell me. Put it in writing. Then I can read it out.

Conversation with carpenter:

C: What door do you want for the studio.
Me: What are you talking about? I am having the spare door down in the factory. I told the PM about it.
C: It’s too small
Me: So, just get me one like that.
C: You can go to the Door Store and pick one out.
Me: You want me to go to a place with hundreds and hundreds of doors and pick one out? I will be there all day.
C: I will order one for you.
Me: Thanks.

Similar conversation about window happened with the same reaction and result.

I cannot imagine what it is like to just get out of bed and just “be”. You know. Just get up, shower, get dressed, have breakfast and get out of the house without an agonising thought process with each step.

I go to bed thinking about what I will wear the next day and then when I wake up I rethink it. Not because I want to look good but because what I wear needs to match the mood I am in. If I am agitated I would never wear anything that was too loose or it will annoy me all day. If I put my maroon dress on today it would have pissed me off having that colour distract me. Or the brown with the cream would have made me feel disorganised. I don’t own clothes that are noisy at all. Except my raincoat. I hate clothes that squeak, creak or make any noise when I move around. Or clothes that flop or dangle.

I’d like to go to sleep at night just like that. You know, lie down and close my eyes and drift off. Not have the noise of the house, the swish of noise in my ears. I would like to drift of to sleep not thinking about how many bugs there are living in my bed linen. Or on my skin. Or on my eyelashes. Apart from thinking about what I am wearing the next day, I actually am very good at not thinking about negative things when I go to sleep. Well, apart from germs and noises. But when you are a light sleeper it makes sleep troublesome. I thought about using ear plugs but then I would be able to feel the ear plugs and that would just make sleep impossible.

But there is one thing I love very much at the moment. Over the past few weeks I have been using an online accounting package and getting it ready for everyone else to use. The utter delight I have had doing the chart of accounts and cost centres just beggars belief. I get into a complete zone as I get it all to work beautifully. The new templates, the new scripts, getting the logo to sit perfectly on everything just makes my mouth water. When I log into the data base each morning I feel a thrill when I see it open up on the big computer screen.

The whole office just works on oblivious to my bliss.

I mean, it’s hard to appreciate the pleasure if you are not into it.

Anyway, I have talked enough about me.

What do you think of me?

Ha ha.


11 thoughts on “Me Me Me

  1. Linda

    Because you live close to the ocean, galvanized screws will work best. However, even then, there are different ratings on that. Salt air does wonderful things to construction materials. No one measured the door? haha

    By code, electrical outlets and switches must be in certain locations as in relation to doors and windows, gfi outlets within 3 feet of water ( sinks, faucets and so on). maybe there was a question on three way switches?

    My clothes for work are boring because nice clothes will get destroyed and I don't want to think how I will look. I start out clean and rather neat but by days end I will look like I slept in the gutter.

    And sleep? I used to fall asleep in seconds and now I must wait and wait and wait. I think my sleep switch must be broke!


  2. glad you have found your bliss there in your accounting package!

    i was a life-long atheist, but have gotten kind of spiritual thru my AA stuff. so when i'm struggling, i pray. and mostly, i pray for others, particularly people that i struggle with.

    i know it sounds weird — but it works for me. it takes me out of my current discomfort.

    i don't think you have to even believe in anything to pray.

    anyway, that's what i do. otherwise, my mind is too whacky


  3. Those who pose as an Alpha Male are just that, posers. I have no need for them. I work alone when ever possible. I hold myself to my own standards and have no need to try to compare with someone else. Some of that comes with age, as when in playing sports of all types, but when that time passes, so should that attitude.

    When it comes to money however, it never goes away I am afraid.


  4. I think you should learn to enjoy to swim. I usually get very sleepy after a few lengths….or hot milk… or swim in hot milk. The sleep thing would piss me off so bad. OOH how about a 'learn french' tape playing in your ears at bed time? You'll either learn French, or fall asleep!
    Big hug from me to you, and I'm not wearing a pvc suit with a polystyrene hat…SQUUUEEAK!


  5. RJ: Is that advice you are giving me there? Haha. They did use the galvanised nails. The door I chose was not appropriate for the studio and now the new one is on.

    The electrician can think of all the ins and outs.

    I guess there will always be posers – both male and female. All one can do is steer clear and get on with life in their own way.

    IHTW: No, you were not preachy. Quite the opposite. I think praying is almost a form of meditation. I also think that more people should pray/think of others because the world is sadly lacking in empathy. It makes a change from serious navel gazing all the time. We need to see the humanity of those around us. Innervisions – now I will have to Google that one.

    Debadee: I did swimming lessons but really do not like swimming. I like to paddle.

    I think I could listen to the complete works of Spike Milligan as I drift off.

    No PVC suit. Not in Summer maybe?

    I'll take the hug..


  6. In response to your question.
    Here is what I think of you Linda.

    I just spent a not insignificant amount of time reading your blog. It was time very well spent.

    I think you have a remarkable gift for communicating via the written word. Your ability to engage with a reader in such an easy going conversational way is both rare and magical. I feel like I know you in ways that i could not possibly know you.

    You are such a good writer that I think your talent is such that you could make a difference to people in the world. Empathy is an invaluable thing when it comes to human understanding and your writing seems to me to be full of love for humanity and for being human.

    Do you write works of fiction?

    Once your studio is finished, I am sure you will make paintings and objects full of the same qualities that are present here in these writings.

    Your husband, son, family and friends are blessed to have a person with such insight involved in their lives.

    I feel kind of cheated that i do not know you as they do. But I am fortunate to have been able to read these fabulous pieces of writing here.

    You should be published in a format that meets a much larger audience.

    May you continue to explore and create with your sensitive and insightful spirit.


  7. Mr Cowper: Thanks for dropping by and your very kind words of encouragement. I like to think I have many years to do the things I hope to do. It's all a work in progress.

    The older I get the more interested I am in embracing my creative side.


  8. I laughed out loud at the part where you admit you are covered in buttons.

    I have people at work that ask me about the most inane things, I sometimes think they must be kidding. “Should we order a backup bulb for the projector?” Really? This is why I like to work from coffee shops.


  9. WOW: Yep, the multi buttoned human. That is me.

    I love that people can work from coffee shops. We now have our work in one of the “clouds” so can work for wherever there is wireless internet. I think it is a great way to get away from those very questions you mention.


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