Have I mentioned how much I dislike the typical Alpha Male?
I like nice guys. I am married to one. Intelligent, kind, thoughtful and normal.
The one thing I liked about my husband when first I met him was that he did not talk about himself. About how good he was. How much money he earnt. How good he was at sport. He talked about stuff and I talked about stuff.
I work with Alpha Males. They talk about themselves a lot. There are a couple who don’t and they stand out like dog’s balls in the building industry.
My dad was a typical one. So is my brother.
Had I married and Alpha Male you can bet I would be divorced by now or they would have been stabbed during one of my unstable moments (which were frequent when young and still happen).
I was once engaged to marry one of them and he almost put me off men for life. Posturing, egocentric, beer drinking prick that he was. I dodged a bullet there by getting out when I did.
Maybe I don’t like them because I could be an Alpha Female and you can’t have one of those married to the male version. I like to think I am not but I sometimes wonder.
You see, I can be very difficult when things don’t go my way.
I like things a certain way. I have a certain picture in my head about what the day is going to bring and when it does not bring it I get highly agitated and confused which leads to me be very difficult to rationalise with.
My mother used to say to me that I had unrealistic expectations of how things should be. And she may well be right.
The other day I was talking to my son about something that we were planning and he said “Don’t tell me anything about it because it might not be what you say it is and I will be disappointed”. So maybe he has a bit of that in him as well.
The other thing which I hate to admit to is that I just cannot stomach being told what to do. At all. Not even a little bit. A suggestion from someone will be considered briefly. But generally I meet any advice, offers of help, suggestions and other similar things, with polite facade as deep down I am usually thinking how much I hate being told what to do.
Over the years men have said to me that I must be hard to be married to but my husband says I am not. Just like owning a foreign car, you need to look after it and know what buttons to never push.
I am covered in buttons. I avoid situations that may cause a few of those buttons to be pushed which then leads to sever anxiety for hours, if not days.
Here is the sort of conversation that can lead to anxiety:
Project Manager calls me;
PM: What screws do you want for the decking on your studio
Me: What do you mean?
PM: Galvanized or Steel.
Me: Which ever lasts longer.
PM: They are both the same.
Me: What? Why do you ask? Which one looks nicer?
PM: I should not have rung you should I?
Then I spend the next four hours wondering which one is best. Finally stop thinking when I get to bed.
Conversation about portable phone at work – me speaking to K about how to use it:
Me: How do I answer and incoming call on the portable phone?
K: You press the talk button, then star and then zero.
Me: Which is the talk button?
K: The main button.
Me: Main button, then star then zero. Got it.
Get to work. Completely forgotten. Tell everyone it is star then zero. Or talk button then zero. Or talk then zero. Get confused and ignore ringing phones while I am eating lunch. Later I ask K how to do answer the phone again. He tells me and then asks if it rings. I have no idea if it rings or not.
Conversation about electrician:
K: I cannot be here to meet the electrician on Thursday.
K: Can he come another day?
Me: No, I want the studio finished sooner rather than later. Write down what you need me to talk to the electrician about.
K starts to tell me what needs doing. I start to panic. There is no way known I can remember one word of what is being said.
Me: Write it down. Don’t tell me. Put it in writing. Then I can read it out.
Conversation with carpenter:
C: What door do you want for the studio.
Me: What are you talking about? I am having the spare door down in the factory. I told the PM about it.
C: It’s too small
Me: So, just get me one like that.
C: You can go to the Door Store and pick one out.
Me: You want me to go to a place with hundreds and hundreds of doors and pick one out? I will be there all day.
C: I will order one for you.
Similar conversation about window happened with the same reaction and result.
I cannot imagine what it is like to just get out of bed and just “be”. You know. Just get up, shower, get dressed, have breakfast and get out of the house without an agonising thought process with each step.
I go to bed thinking about what I will wear the next day and then when I wake up I rethink it. Not because I want to look good but because what I wear needs to match the mood I am in. If I am agitated I would never wear anything that was too loose or it will annoy me all day. If I put my maroon dress on today it would have pissed me off having that colour distract me. Or the brown with the cream would have made me feel disorganised. I don’t own clothes that are noisy at all. Except my raincoat. I hate clothes that squeak, creak or make any noise when I move around. Or clothes that flop or dangle.
I’d like to go to sleep at night just like that. You know, lie down and close my eyes and drift off. Not have the noise of the house, the swish of noise in my ears. I would like to drift of to sleep not thinking about how many bugs there are living in my bed linen. Or on my skin. Or on my eyelashes. Apart from thinking about what I am wearing the next day, I actually am very good at not thinking about negative things when I go to sleep. Well, apart from germs and noises. But when you are a light sleeper it makes sleep troublesome. I thought about using ear plugs but then I would be able to feel the ear plugs and that would just make sleep impossible.
But there is one thing I love very much at the moment. Over the past few weeks I have been using an online accounting package and getting it ready for everyone else to use. The utter delight I have had doing the chart of accounts and cost centres just beggars belief. I get into a complete zone as I get it all to work beautifully. The new templates, the new scripts, getting the logo to sit perfectly on everything just makes my mouth water. When I log into the data base each morning I feel a thrill when I see it open up on the big computer screen.
The whole office just works on oblivious to my bliss.
I mean, it’s hard to appreciate the pleasure if you are not into it.
Anyway, I have talked enough about me.
What do you think of me?